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Wednesday 28 October 2015

Assignment on Drift and Plot

The invitation to the chateau was tediously grandiose.  An intimidating dinner of shimmering silver and crystallised glass;     knives and forks polished to within an inch of their silver plated lives,  placed, measured and millimetered to equal distance between each setting -  Sophie wished she could take French leave …

Salad was served as is the custom in France seeped in olive dressing,  she remembered to fold her lettuce and not cut.    This was a French rule learnt in the early days of arriving in France when she had been reprimanded on cutting the lettuce into bite size pieces - Non Non “My dear”  it’s very bad manners to cut your lettuce leaves, in France we fold them into 4 
"Comme ceci, vous voyez” and then pop the packet into the mouth - 

Anyway,  on this particular salad feasting Sophie was about to move her folded lettuce bundle to her mouth when she perceived a tiny head with antennae, beady black eyes and fragile shell;    looking a little closer she saw that it was a baby snail.  “Please Miss”, he cried “I’ve lost my mother could you not eat me and help me find her”   Sophie stopped in mid-mouthful.  

Goodness how on earth was she going to find a mother snail at this chic dining table.   

Opposite her was an Elvis P.  type person with a quivering quiff and fabulously coloured jacket lining who was just lifting his fork;   she noticed crouching underneath the last lettuce leaf on his salad plate what could only be the baby snails mother.   “Oh Mr Marmalade shoes” - could I just ask you something - she had to stall his eating before the mummy snail disappeared down his gullet squashed, crushed, and digested (or not) forevermore.    “I didn’t help but notice your amazing shoes while we were having an aperitif in the Grand Salon - where did you find such an interesting colour of leather”?    He stopped in mid-sentence - interested in being interested in himself - funny you should ask “My dear”,  “I was in Milan just the other day and saw this divine but totally di…vine pair of shoes made of cowhide”.   Sophie flinched.   “They cost the earth,  but my mother,  who, between you and me is as rich as they come,  forked out the 6.665 euros for them.”     
As he was talking he was waving his hand about, gesticulating and doing so flicked inadvertently Mummy snail over to Sophie’s plate.  She reunited the family to her pocket, they slimed together happily. 

 “Excuse me for a moment,  I think I left my headlights on” 

Escape  -  Back at the farm Gertie was feeling congested.  In fact her udder was taught and full like a water balloon filled with milk,  teats leaking and she was near to freakout time.   
Gertie thought this was really too much - mistress Sophie who had inherited the farm from a distant aunt - was never on time for milking.  But ah - 
Footsteps on the cobblestones - whew!   and soft delicate fingers relieved her milk overload.  Gertie battered her luscious eyelashes and shifted her weight flicking her tail …  “ Sorry” said Sophie muttering a story about a snail which Gertie couldn’t totally comprehend  

“Just come to say goodbye” the not such a young as she thought boy with the studded pointy marmelade colour shoes so totally out of place in her manurey backyard,  was strolling among her cows poking them on their hind quarters, “now this one would make a wonderful pair of shoes” …Gertie swung her head round to give Sophie her special stink-eye stare 


Assignment on two people divorcing then deciding not to after all

“You silly toad,” she said.   “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“Look here at your reflection in this pond ;   skin as rough as n° 5  sandpaper,  an overstuffed pot belied tummy,  gross, repulsive and sagging  ……do  you really believe those prickly warts and slimy jaggy skin incrusted with mud and muck can still seduce at your age”?

She stuck out her tongue and swallowed a Daddy long legs  - whole.

It slithered down her throat.

Mr Toad gulped and drool dribbled down his brown speckled chest;   he was hungry.

“What have you got to say for yourself?”

Silver fish came up to drink the slimy dribble as it splashed into the water - he watched fascinated as the swirling matter disappeared in a swish

Mr Toad looked over at his wife - years had thickened her waist, wrinkled her warts - made her eyes bulb out and she couldn’t jump as high as before to catch his dinner - their conversation had diminished to croaky rasps and she wheezed in her sleep and kept him awake - 

“Oh my darling Mrs Toad, I love you but I just can’t help myself - young flesh is too hard to resist.”
“Mistress Toady lead me astray with her young moist skin, never ending slimy green legs and her tiny uneven warty bum and that long luminous tongue …..she sings a sinuous trill trill trill….”

“Enough! Enough”!   “Have you no memory - all those leaps and bounds to get you your favorite food - sitting on your eggs for hours on end and wearing out my claws washing your back”
“did you forget our  wedding held on the banks of the Goony pond  - all our river friends were there - swan, badger, weasel and otter, the duck family,  and even cricket came to congratulate us.  Our  fishy friends made my wedding dress ;   those silver scales shone with love” 
“Yes yes yes he enthused, I wore my best gold jacket spun with fireflies threads” 
“What about our tadpoles all grown up now into fine toadlets with families of their own…”.
“But I can’t resist her”
Toad bowed  ….
”So, therefore, ugh umm ….. I have the extreme dishonour of asking you for a …well a ….. divorce”…
 he croaked croakily…..
“We made a handsome couple but now its time to move on - a toads life is short and I want sweeter things”

“Well how about this for sweeter things then” …
Mrs Toad caught the biggest, largest, fattest damselfly with sapphire coloured stripes, intricate lace like wings and diamond eyes -  on the end of her tongue.
She held it just above Mr Toads nose - his eyes crossed,  it looked juicy and wriggled exposing its soft tender belly

His throat expanded pulsating
Oooh ..  “My Princess” he gulped,  saliva oozing out of his mouth



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